I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
