Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
