just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The dick lei will go down in squad history
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
