there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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