If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
