Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize