I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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