Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
