the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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