i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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