Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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