3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
