I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
