Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
