I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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