awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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