one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
