there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize