I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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