Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize