Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
