I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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