Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
