dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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