she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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