I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
