I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Someone signed my nipple.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize