meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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