I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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