Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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