Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
