I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
