I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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