party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
