He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
