im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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