he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize