Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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