I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
