Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
