WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
