The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
