i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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