You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
