Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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