True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
