Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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