Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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