some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
