Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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