I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
