I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
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