Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
