drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
