Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
