I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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