dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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