I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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