guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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