You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
